I pay a lot of attention to my physical well-being. That’s a given for me, especially since for the last 6 months I’ve been trying out the vegetarian lifestyle. However, I have to admit that I’ve felt pretty lost in the spiritual department.
It seems that everywhere I turn, someone has the answers. I’ve read books in almost every major world religion, and all I feel right now is more confused than ever. My Christian background I left behind almost 2 year ago because I knew that I needed to start from scratch in order to find myself. Now, though, I’ve realized that there’s a multitude of belief systems that exist in the world, and it’s no surprise to me why most of us so adamantly cling to the beliefs that we grew up with. It’s entirely too overwhelming to survey them all and make an educated decision!
Part of this journey that I’m making to Mexico is a spiritual one. I’ve heard of people making pilgrimages as a part of their religious rites, and I’d like to make this a pilgrimage of sorts. My graduate school program is interesting, but I feel stagnated and out-of-place a lot of the time. In fact, just a few minutes ago, I felt an urgent need to run screaming in the opposite direction. That’s why I’m now asking myself: Is this really me? Is this the life that I really want to pursue? Yet “giving up on it” would let down a lot of people who depend on me or who have high expectations of me, including my advisors, my family and my friends. A lot of people have stuck out their necks to help me reach where I am, yet I feel completely wrong right now.
Am I just giving in to my individualistic culture? Should I stick it out and try to be consistent for once in my life? Why do I feel so alone? How do I break free and find my place in this rapidly revolving world? I even wonder, is it all downhill from here? What is the hope that I should be clinging to? Heaven? A better Earth? Nirvana? A lot of people seem to be finding hope in the Obama campaign, but I find myself sinking into cynicism. And I’ve traditionally been an optimistic person! So, may the powers of the universe, whatever they might be, please intercede here and tell me what to do!
AMEN!
7 Comments
May 12, 2008 at 5:33 am
“It seems that everywhere I turn, someone has the answers.”
You ARE absolutely correct! BUT, you MUST remember as well……YOU just happen to be one with them in possessing the answers.
It is good that you have clarified to us that you are on a journey to discover something truly interesting about The One (God) that loves you consistently and with out err.
Your assertion that most of us cling to the belief systems of our family of origin because it offers a comfort zone is perfect and right on the mark.
Your decision to ask questions so that you might learn more about what makes for a spiritually intimate and rich relationship with God is exactly where ALL of us live.
Billions of people across this vast globe of ours are making the same journey as you. All of us, for centuries, have been graced or sometimes cursed, with belief systems that have either been a blessing for others or a curse for others. In the end, each and every person have asked some version of the phrase, “there has got to be a better way” to love, to live, to enjoy this life.
With that said, your fears of the great and magnificent accomplishments you have made thus have somewhat muddied the waters of your progress. You expressing those fears in a somewhat public way here is (in a way) a call for spiritual help and support.
You are brilliant! And, it seems, those who love you and support you believe the same as I….and I have just but read a few lines of your blog. Your choice to make a journey….a real journey….to find an answer that lies deep within you is significant. Such gives wings to the distance you will travel to discover the unconditional love that hugs you daily regardless of faith tradition and beliefs.
With such a reality swirling about you….You must come to understand the miracle of this next phrase….What you will you will do! What you wish you won’t!
In other words, if you love in fear than fear is what you will to love. BUT, if you love for the sake of knowing how deeply you are loved by The One (God) that loves you…your journey, your outcome will be the passion and happiness YOU CREATED with the grace and blessing of The One in YOU.
AngllHugnU2
Author of IM with God
May 12, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Thanks for the input and encouragement, AngllHugnU2.
I have to admit, though, that my response to what you wrote is a bit, well, turned off. It sounds a little too New-Agey than what I’m able to take. Kind of fortune-cookie-ish. I’m being honest here because I’ve reached the point where I have to be. Call me a cynic, but life isn’t exactly a bunch of roses. I’m worn out with the message that we create our own happiness and that we are the answer to our own needs. If I’m the answer to my own happiness, then I may as well give up now, because it sure hasn’t been working! Also, I’m struggling a bit with the words “perfect” and “right” since they seem to imply a kind of judgement. If I had written something different, you would have told me that I was “wrong” or “off.” That implies that you have the answers, and that brings me back to where we started…that there are a lot of people out there who claim to have the answers.
May 13, 2008 at 4:58 am
“If I’m the answer to my own happiness, then I may as well give up now, because it sure hasn’t been working!”
Go right ahead!….it would fit the trend of the belief system in which you’ve had the most confidence…happiness through protracted self-inflicted pain and suffering.
BUT REMEMBER, like a man or a woman leaving a relationship because they simply are not willing to let go of their failed practices of the past, you will eventually HAVE TO pass this way again and will need to face up to the fact your choices affect the measure of happiness YOU experience. If pain be the “happiest you will ever be….” so be it!
Many will question and struggle with your intent…BUT, you will do what you will want to do regardless of what New-Agey label you may fasten to what others may offer.
The fact of the matter is….your brilliance is waiting for you to discover it!
AngllHugnU2
Author IM with God
May 13, 2008 at 5:27 am
I’m not arguing that I’m the one inflicting the pain on myself. I think that’s fairly clear. I know. I can see myself repeating the same behaviors over and over again. What I’m having a hard time believing is that I can somehow stop doing that through my own effort, i.e. through “will power” or affirmations or many of the other recommendations that I’ve been given by people who’ve written a similar philosophy to what I’m hearing from you.
If “my brilliance is waiting for me to discover it” then, please, how is that supposed to happen?
May 13, 2008 at 6:48 am
“What I’m having a hard time believing is that I can somehow stop doing that through my own effort, i.e. through “will power” or affirmations or many of the other recommendations that I’ve been given by people who’ve written a similar philosophy to what I’m hearing from you.”
Life, real life…is all about discovering what works and what does not work. Whether you know it or not…you are presently doing that which you simply can not believe you have mastery over. Your choice to learn is YOU exercising your capacity to discover what is real, honest, true, and good….and how you fit in to how life works.
You see, we are not really taught how life works. We are given the old teachings of the past to repeat over and over before we discover the world is not flat.
My first comment to you was applauding your decision to will yourself to learn what works. You’d made a decision to set aside, at least for the moment, some of what your past had taught you as real (with regard to God)…and you have set out on a journey (physical or spiritual) to discover what works and what does not.
Some, whether you know it or not, would say your choice was pure holiness…..
This choice you have made to learn is what makes you so damn brilliant. You have chosen to break the cycle of your past by choosing to learn more about your present. The closer you move toward living in the present, the moment, the NOW…the more you will appreciate the full capacity of what you are capable.
Will you continue to repeat over and over behaviors that will bring you down?….yep! Eventually, those down moments will bring your heart to a place where you will ask some version of the phrase, “there has got to be a better way!”
If your willingness to discover a better way is genuine, then the better way will be where you will find yourself; a little closer to living in the present.
Lately, so much has been made of “thinking one self happy.” It is as if a simple click of the finger will bring you the happiness you seek.
Nothing can be further from the truth. Time, lots of time, has developed the methods and the madness of what you would call happiness (but simply is not) …Some of what you do brings your real joy, memorable moments that seem to last forever into the lives you touch. And yes, some of what you do repeats outcomes where it seems you never learn your lesson.
Well….I am sure you have heard, there is a time and a place for everything. For some people, they will never to take the time to learn why they bring pain and suffering into their lives or the lives of others. For these, these painful outcomes are “as happy as they will ever be.”
BUT YOU, you have chosen to set aside (at least for the moment) all of what you have learned is “as happy as you will ever be” to find a better way to understand, know, appreciate, and love the life that is yours.
THIS is what makes you so brilliant! Making for your own happiness IS what you are presently doing silly. For every question you genuinely seek an answer….and for which you are willing to listen, a genuine answer is ready for you to have.
PEACE
AngllHugnU2
Author of IM with God
May 15, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Gotcha!
Gracias. 
May 16, 2008 at 4:18 am
No problemos senorita!